Saturday, October 9, 2010

Pasablog!!! Why I started blogging

Sometime in December 2009...

It was an ordinary day, in an ordinary (aircon yung bus...haha) bus, going to an ordinary Makati (totally an understatement, Makati is awesome!). I sat beside this cute but grumpy looking guy (until now, he would contest that I did that on purpose because I wanted to flirt with him, which wasn't the case, yun na lang kaya yung available na seat at that time, feeler much). I have to admit though I made quick glances at him and he did too. After several glances, he wrote his number on a piece of paper and placed it in my left pocket. I texted him the moment I arrived in the office.

"Hi, I'm David, nice meeting you."

He replied:

"Hi, I'm December (not his real name), I'm only up for sex, nothing serious"

I was a bit shocked and a little turned off. Shocked because, he didn't look like the i'm-only-up-for-sex type, he seemed like a nice guy and turned off because, i'm not an i'm-only-up-for-sex type (most of the time). But I decided to play along. I said "Yep, me too, not looking for anything serious right now." A week went by, we exchanged messages on whether we could meet to do the "deed" but our sched was not in sync and his place was not available since his brother was always around. One Saturday night I asked him if he was available the following day, just to talk and get to know each other, fortunately he said yes. The following day we met, went to church together, had dinner and just talked. I was right, he was a nice guy, who had broken up with his on-and-off boyfriend for two years sometime in June 2009 (he caught the guy cheating for the third time and he too had something on the side... men, ugh! haha). I, on the other hand, after a two-year hiatus had recently opened up to dating. I told him that I was dating two other guys (My GBF and my college crush). Then he told me "stop looking, choose me, I'll make it worth your while"

I don't know what it was... Was it his sadness, was it what he said, was it the moon or the fact that we were in a relatively dark place... A kiss transpired... It was a good kiss, great actually.

A week would go by until our next meeting.

His brother went home to the province so he invited me to spend the weekend at his place. We chilled, watched movies, he showed me his blog (yep, isa siyang blogger), he cooked (it was decent...edible), we slept and we slept together/made love/had sex (whichever term/phrase you may prefer). It was one of the best weekends I had in a long time. Monday came, I had to go to work, he had to go home to the province to spend Christmas with his family. I left his place smiling, thinking, this may really be it, my search may be over. But apparently, circumstances would yet again pull a cruel joke on me.

December 27, 2009, after contemplating who among the three guys I'm dating will I choose to date exclusively, I chose December. He called that night and I told him that I chose him. I was expecting enthusiasm and happiness, but weirdly, he was quiet and gave an indifferent

"Ah ok."

I asked him what was the matter, he said "Tumawag si X, he wants to patch things up... I don't know what to do."

I said "Paano tayo?"

He said "Don't worry, aayusin ko to and I am considering you're sake... You've done a lot for me Dave."

After that conversation, a week would go by, a week of questioning whether he would choose me or X. What I did next was stupid...I hoped.

January 3, 2010, he came back here in Manila and invited me to come over because he bought "pasalubong" for me from his hometown, he also invited me to sleep over. I asked him "So.. are we still exclusively dating?" and he said "Yes" without any hesitation. I don't know why, I felt uneasy, I doubted his confident yes. The morning after, I woke up and prepared for work, December was still asleep since he doesn't have to go to work that day. I don't know what came over me, I suddenly had the urge to go through messages in his cell phone. Disclaimer: This was the first time I did this, normally, I don't invade people's privacy, but the urge was greater than my values. I saw several "I miss you" and "I love you" from a sender whose name is different from X, but I know it's him. I told myself "baka nangungulit lang or something." So I went through his sent items and what I saw voided me from all emotions I should be feeling at that moment. I decided to play cool and save the drama later.

"Iwan ko muna yung pasalubong mo, hirap dalhin eh, balikan ko mamaya."

I went to work and thought of a way how will I handle this... "bahala na"

I went back to his place, wanting to confront him. I don't know what was wrong with him at that time but he was "eager" for it, and I don't know what what was wrong with me, I gave in. Maybe it was my subconscious telling me "go ahead, this would be the last." Afterwards, I told him "you know, I did not go here for this, I actually wanted to talk to you, just talk." I told him what I did, what I found out earlier that day. He cried. He said he was confused and he does not know what to do. "Nahihiya ako sayo, hindi kasi ako makapili" he uttered. What would have been rational at that time was me choosing to end my quasi-relationship with December, instead, I said "Naiintindihan kita, and I'm willing to wait... Aayusin mo naman to diba?" He said yes, after the drama, I had to go home as his brother will arrive in a while.

3 weeks would pass, he became mores distant and cold. At the end of the 3rd week I texted him about the DVDs he borrowed:
Me: "Hi December, when can I get my DVDs back?"
December: "May i return them on Monday"
Me: "Ok, how are you doing?"
December: "I'm ok, I'm sorry"
Me: "Sorry for what?"
December : "For everything"

I understood the underlying message, he chose his ex.

Me: "I really want to say that it's ok, that I understand.. but right now I can't... Can I just get my DVDs back on Monday."

Monday came, he gave me the DVDs and said sorry... I just said "ok... bye" and walked away. I thought he was a jerk and I really hated his guts. We could have ended on a better note if he had just been honest. I can handle rejection, I've handled it many times before. I remember GBF telling me "Hindi ibig sabihin na nag-offer ang isang tao to exclusively date mamahalin ka na... at hindi ibig sabihin na hindi kaya mag-offer ng isang tao to exclusively date hindi ka na mahal." December was a mistake of epic proportions. I should have been patient with GBF. Regret, truly, can be found in the end.

I have to be honest. I made this blog so that one day he would read this post. I even followed some of his followers and made sure that at least five would follow my blog, so that one day he would stumble upon this post and make him realize he was a jerk. But apparently, he stopped blogging 2 or 3 weeks after I started this blog and after some time I finally accepted, understood and forgave.

So now, what's next? I think I finally accomplished the goal of this blog.
I guess I will write on, share my thoughts, my experiences, my "whatevers."
Another chapter of Mr. Brightside starts here. Here's to the brighter side of life.

8 comments:

  1. Dave,

    Just focus on a wider point of view. Some things are not meant to be, even though we hardly and effin' want those. It's okay to cry and whine for a day or two but after that be sure to move on and collect yourself. Base sa experience ko, someone out there is waiting for you, although hindi pa natin nakikita, may purpose yun kung bakit. Pag ready na tayo at hindi na tayo naguguluhan sa mga bagay bagay saka yun darating. Pag ready na din tayo magmahal ng buo at wala ng "what ifs" saka lang tayo magiging masaya ng totoo. Naramdaman ko ang pain mo at sana kahit papano napagaan ko loob mo :)

    Regards, Miko of Bleeding Angel

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  2. i have no words.

    i wish you well. you will find someone who's gonna choose you. you'll never know, he could be blogging too.

    write on dave. :)

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  3. oh! i didn't see that coming.

    but, it's been a couple of months since that part of your life happened. and it's good to know that you're moving on. :)

    i'll look forward to more of your posts :)

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  5. When expectations falter and the only one you seem to lean on is yourself, remember, you know that circumstances are there to make you better or worse.

    The former or the latter Mr.B?

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  6. @Guyrony - definitely the former =D

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